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betwixt and between

There’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade

And now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all

And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide

Lying awake at night-Death Cab for Cutie

Some days you hear a song that perfectly sums up the thoughts bouncing around in your head and presents them in pretty poetry. That happened to me today while doing the dishes and subconsciously contemplating, or even suppressing, my floating notions about my occupation status (housewife? yak. homemaker? even worse. stay-at-home mom? yikes.). Then along came Ben Gibbard with an unexpectedly poignant chorus about lost love. The way I feel about my old job reminds me of the breakup of old flames. I miss my job…sometimes. Like when Nate has a work trip to Costa Rica, and I am reminded of the fun business trips I took around the country. I love hotels; the little soaps, the free HBO, the room service, the tub, the continental breakfast, the chance to get away from my lovely children for a night or two. Ok, so I never got to visit Costa Rica, but who knew Columbus, Ohio would be so cool?

It’s true, I never miss my job on Mondays. Or when I return from a vacation and have an entire day to do laundry instead of trying to fit it in when I come home exhausted in the evenings. And I don’t miss the day-to-day grind, the endless (and often pointless) conference calls, the eye-roll-inducing staff meetings. But what about the occasional lunches with work buddies and plenty of meandering adult-topic conversation? The impromptu happy hours? Bagel Fridays? The cafe across the street from my office that had the affordable and delightful Cuban sandwich and the best lentil soup around? The ubiquitous office birthday cake? Oh boy, do I miss those times. Maybe I’ll find moments like those again with other moms in my situation–they have to be out there, right? So far the playgroups have been a bust, but I’m committed to finding another outlet. Perhaps I’ll join a book club, even if it means I have to glom on to the nerdy library club in our town that meets in a conference room instead of the standard coffee shop/pub. The bottom line is that right now my kids are my new job, and I’ll have as much fun with them as I can, even if it means the occasional feeling of disappointment and regret.